1. As small children

Hermione Granger was a very smart girl. She knew this because her parents said so and they were dentists, so they were right. She had no use for sticky-fingered, redheaded boys standing in front of London shops her parents couldn't see, even if they were eating lollipops that shot sparks out of their mouths.

"I'm magic!" the grubby boy declared, thrusting his lollipop at Hermione.

"So what?" Hermione replied, hands on her hips. She pointed at the boy and his lolly turned into a flower. "So'm I."

Her parents asked who she was talking to, but Hermione just skipped ahead.

2. When Ron is a girl and Hermione is a boy

"Help me find my toad!" a pudgy boy pleaded, tripping over his shoelaces and falling into Rhonda.

Rhonda scowled. She hated wearing Bill's old, altered robes and carrying Charlie's stupid boy wand. She bet Ginny wouldn't have to put up with this next year. Stupid baby sister.

"Please," the boy begged again.

And now she had to help find this boy's toad.

Rhonda barged into the nearest compartment. "Oi! Has anyone seen a toad? His name is..."

"Trevor," said missing-toad-boy, just as Rhonda exclaimed, "Hey, you're Harry Potter! Let me see your scar!"

Harry Potter dutifully lifted his fringe.

"Wicked!" Rhonda said, throwing herself into a seat across from Harry Potter.

"Excuse me," sniffed a boy that Rhonda hadn't noticed before. He had the poofiest hair Rhonda had ever seen and was dressed in Muggle clothes, just like Harry Potter. A Muggleborn or a half, maybe.

"You're excused," said Rhonda cheerfully.

"We haven't seen a toad in here, but we'll let you know. I'm Herman Granger."

"Rhonda Weasley."

Herman smirked. "Never heard of you." He pointed to his jaw. "You know you have a smudge of dirt, right here."

God, and in front of Harry Potter. Rhonda scrubbed furiously at her face.

"Now if you excuse us," Herman went on, "Harry and I have important man things to discuss."

Rhonda rolled her eyes, but stomped out of the car. Man things, honestly. Like she didn't know everything growing up with five older brothers. Down the hall, the boy who lost his toad mournfully wailed, "Trevorrrrrrrr!"

3. In an American teen romantic comedy

"Hey, look, it's a nerd," Ron sneered, elbowing Harry's side. Harry stepped away and opened his locker.

Ron rolled his eyes. God, Harry could be such a tightass sometimes.

"Yo! Nerd!" called Ron, walking up to the girl and knocking down her books.

The girl tripped over her feet when she tried saving her things. Ron suddenly felt very bad, then felt even worse when she glared at him. She shook out her bushy hair. "I bet you're Ron Weasley."

"How did you--?"

"I'm Hermione Granger," she announced crisply, "and if you want to keep playing football for Hogwarts High, I'm also your new tutor."

Behind Ron, Harry snorted.

4. When Ron is Sorted into Slytherin

The Sorting and feast had gone pretty much how Hermione had expected, but by the time Oliver Wood started leading the first years to the Gryffindor dorms, she was feeling full and sleepy. They passed by the Slytherin table, and Hermione nearly tripped over the long legs of a redheaded boy. Harry caught her in the nick of time.

"Old family, but poor," Neville Longbottom murmured to Hermione and Harry. "Normally I wouldn't care about that, but the Weasleys are mean." He looked scared.

"Watch where you're going, Mudblood," Weasley said. "But then again there's no coordination in dirty blood." A blond boy and two huge oafs sitting on either side of him laughed.

"So you're Ronald Weasley?" Hermione announced, loud enough that Harry and Neville both jumped. "Well, I may be Muggleborn, but I know I'm smarter than you. I look forward to beating the pants off you in class."

"Blimey, Hermione!" Harry said as he led her out and away from the Great Hall. Behind them, Weasley let out a swear that would have had her mum cleaning his mouth out with soap.

Hermione sniffed. So much for breeding.

5. On the set of a porno

"Right this way, Mr Weasley," the bouncy kid said, leading him onto the set. "Such an honour working with you."

He flashed the kid an indulgent smile. "Thanks, uh..."

"Colin!" the boy chirped, nearly swooning. "Colin Creevey!"

On the bed sat his costar, also known as every wet dream Ron had ever had, dressed like no librarian that's ever existed. She waved to him and licked her lips. God, he loved his job.

The stage manager spotted Ron and Colin and hurried to put out his cigarette, then started gesturing like a coke-addled air traffic controlman. The crew hustled about, doing whatever it was crews did. Ron didn't know and really didn't care; he was getting paid to screw and screw he would.

The soundstage doors flew open and in strolled the director, looking like he was getting paid to screw, too. "All right, let's get started," he drawled, settling into his chair. "Harry, is our star all fluffed?"

"Fuck, Draco, do I look like an amateur to you?" said the stage manager. "Colin took care of it."

"Cheers, Colin," Ron said, and the kid nearly fainted. Ron walked over to his costar and shed his robe. "You're Hermione Granger, aren't you?" He dropped his trousers.

"Yes, I am," Hermione said, shaking out her bun and tossing her fake glasses aside, "and I suppose I should call you tall, ginger, and gifted."

Ron grinned. He fucking loved his job.

Postscript

"Honestly, Ron," Hermione sighed, marking the page in her book and setting it aside. "None of that matters. The way we met was perfect, and it happened that way for a reason."

Ron leaned over and placed a sloppy kiss on Hermione's cheek.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you, too," he said.

Hermione waved her hand and all the lights went out. Ron settled into the bed, curving an arm around his wife's waist. He nuzzled her ear.

"...So I suppose this means there's no chance you'd dress up like a librarian?"

"Good night, Ron."

END